


too much and not enough

by Nyxierose



Category: Timeless (TV 2016)
Genre: Attempted Sex, F/M, POV Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 10:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18030374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyxierose/pseuds/Nyxierose
Summary: "I feel safe with you. And I want to find out how far that goes. But not with you like this. Not with you convinced you're going to break me."





	too much and not enough

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be smut based off a song I'm currently into, but... then Flynn decided to have a BUNCH of emotional issues and this happened instead. Ah well. I love them anyways.

It barely feels real, looking at her. So long he's waited and hoped, never once assuming these desires could become anything at all, but something snapped and lines have been crossed and she is here in his space and he knows where it will end if she allows him. A dark miracle, every second they're together, and he knows.

He worries she will turn to dust if he puts his hands on her. Perhaps that would be easier than any other fate.

For now, she waits for him to move. First time since he met this version of her that Lucy hasn't taken control of their dynamic, and it feels wrong. Like she is sacrificing her fire in exchange for things she said she wants, like she is about to use him as one more failed way of numbing her pain.

Worst part is, he's not even sure if that bothers him.

Innocent touch has been one thing. They've learned that well these last few months as they've drifted closer to each other, to a point where he has become well acquainted with the details of her body without meaning to. She's half his size and her hands are always cold, and she ends up on top of him when they fall asleep together on his bed as they've been doing more and more lately and it has been _hell_. There have been a few mornings Flynn has been very thankful he wakes up well before she does, countless cold showers, and thousands of undesired thoughts. None of which are enough to make him push her away, mind - she has done everything of her own free will, to whatever extent her recent emotional state allows her, and-

Fuck. This is a terrible idea. She's a beautiful bouquet of damaged and not thinking clearly, and he can't afford to ruin her, and-

As if sensing all of this, Lucy decides she's been patient long enough and crosses the distance and kisses him with a force he should be less surprised she's capable of. And oh, it's so easy to lean down to make it more comfortable, to tangle his fingers in her hair and take just as she does. She tastes like sadness, but there's a certainty as she pushes against him, like maybe he's wrong about why she's making these choices.

He is well aware he's cursed, haunted by the terrible way everything he's cared about has been torn away from him. By loving her, he damns her. By wanting her, he damns her. By slipping his hands beneath the hem of her shirt and swallowing the noise she makes as they rest for a moment on her waist, he damns her.

He will not speak until this is over. If he opens his mouth to do anything but cover her skin in kisses, he will make himself too vulnerable and give the gods permission to take this one too. He will likely still say those things at some point tonight - ideally later, once she is sound asleep beside him, and ideally in a careful combination of several languages she doesn't understand. Not right now, not like this. For now, his hesitation is a request for permission and her wordless sounds are his answer. If he does something catastrophically wrong, he trusts her to stop him. Until then…

Again she gets impatient, pushing him away just long enough to remove her shirt. She is unclothed beneath it, and he rests his hands on her waist again and looks at her, imprinting each detail in the most sacred parts of his brain. Already he is overwhelmed, already he wonders if he _could_ stop now. She would understand if he did, would not think any less of him for it. But no, he doesn't know when they might get this kind of time and aligned moods again and he knows better than to-

"You could… do things. If you wanted."

She's scared. Oh heavens, she's scared and he wraps his arms around her and there is time, they can do this slowly, they can pause for as long as she needs, he can keep her safe, he can-

No, the brutal voice in his mind reminds him. Remember how well that went last time. All those promises made and look where that got him. Lucy is strong but she is still human, still something that could and will be hurt now that he's gone and gotten attached to her.

And she knows. And she wants him anyways. And he should hate her for it, should push her away before the fire burns even brighter, but he can't.

"Or we could stop," she murmurs, though she sounds less than pleased with the idea. "I'd be okay with that."

Of course she puts him into a situation where he _has_ to use words. For a moment, he almost hates her.

"Is that what you want, Lucy?"

"Right now, yes. You're freaking out about me taking my shirt off and… do _not_ look at me like that. I can feel it."

Being yelled at, it turns out, feels different with her so close. Too much and not enough, Flynn thinks, and he doesn't want to let go of her but he's the slightest bit worried she might find some new impulsive thing to do - maybe she'll kick him, he doesn't think he bruises anymore but she might find a way - and-

"I feel safe with you," she continues. "And I want to find out how far that goes. But not with you like this. Not with you convinced you're going to break me."

"That is not the concern."

"Then tell me what is!"

He takes a deep breath, steadies himself against her. "I… I can't sacrifice you like this."

To his surprise, she laughs. He feels more than hears it as she buries her face against his chest, like she knows that's an inappropriate reaction but she can't stop herself. "I should've known," she mutters, and the eye-roll is implied. "I should've fucking known."

"Hmm?"

"You are so lost in your scars that you haven't… have you thought, at all, about why I might want you?"

This seems like an appropriate moment to let go of her, so he does and steps back and shifts his body for maximum eye contact. This, too, he will never forget. Lucy is practically glowing, arms quickly crossed over her breasts, that look in her eyes that he suspects he alone has ever fully understood and perhaps only he has even seen. So much life in her, so much beauty. He can't ruin that, he can't-

"It's not desperation," she continues once she decides they're sufficiently positioned. "I don't… I don't use sex to solve my problems. I got over that instinct a long time before I met you. It's more… you treat me like a human being, and I know it's fucked that I should consider _that_ a reason to be with someone and please don't start telling me I deserve better… it's more… you like me. I tried to ruin your life, for reasons that ended up being wrong on my side, and you still like me. I'm not sure if that's masochism or just insanity, but I like it."

"So you want me because I'm useful to you?"

"Not _useful_ ," she hisses. "More than that. You make me make sense. I don't know if I can explain beyond that."

She doesn't need his fire to destroy and remake her, he thinks. She's burning just fine on her own.

"I'm not sure how that extends to…"

"I like you, and I trust you, and I'd like to find out what it's like to be with someone who actually wants _me_. Is that enough to make you calm down?"

It is, he decides as he crosses the distance and kisses her, but it doesn't mean they'll go as far as seemed likely ten minutes ago. Not tonight, not with all of these things they both need to process. Soon, but not tonight.

"I need time," he murmurs. "Can you give me that?"

"Yes."

"Can we pause here?"

"Of course."

He feels like he ought to apologize for his hesitance, but he trusts that she understands. Too much and not enough, the both of them, all of this. Too much and not enough, always.

They stand together for what feels like a very long time, and it occurs to him that he will be that much more protective of her now that they have begun to cross physical lines together. Whether or not he is cursed, and whether she is by consequence of what they are becoming, is irrelevant. She is important to him, this tiny woman who fits so perfectly against him, and he will do what he can to keep her safe. He always has, but-

"We could cuddle on the bed?" she suggests.

And it feels right to lie down and wrap his body around hers, and he decides that he will not lose her too. He will die before he lets that happen. No more tragedy, only life.

"I do want you," he murmurs, kissing her forehead because he can do that now and it feels normal and good.

"I know. Timing isn't right, but we'll get there. I'm not worried."

They'll get there. He's _definitely_ worried. He'll get over it. Eventually. Maybe.


End file.
